When life gets you down (cos we’re human)
I am playing hooky from my 3-year-old’s gymnastics class. And so then, by default, is he. It’s tempting to wrap myself, beat myself up in all kinds of guilt about this…
— We should be going for his sake.
— We should be going because it’s already paid for and what a waste of hard-earned money.
— We should be going because it’s something. Something to get us out of the house, doing something, interacting with the world instead of being here at home, being blah, being grey and somber and, too often for my liking, being exasperatingly blank, wretched and/or teary (select as appropriate).
But stuff it. Because I simply can’t face it today.
And I don’t believe in should anyway.
I will struggle, I know, to stand tall in myself in embracing my 3yo’s individualistic streak as he blatantly ignores and flatly refuses to do the set out gymnastic circuit activities as they are intended. Favouring instead to create his own very definite interpretations for each apparatus – or at least the ones he will go near – and lying face down or rolling around on the floor, silently but firmly in protest, if anyone tries to tell him otherwise.
I know I would be full of second guessing myself today, in all sorts of ways, of his non-conformity (which, were I feeling more my happy self, I would probably lovingly cherish and likely laugh off). But today, this would all ultimately result in my feeling more shithouse about myself than I already currently do.
This is all very awkward. Inconvenient.
To have finally found courage to not play so small, and put the real me out into this world. To try and encourage others to dig deep and find the freaking incredible about themselves. Because I know we all have it. To have quietened my own self-flagellating critic down a few zillion decibels. And for that all to feel sooooo good, so liberating, so right… only then to be so suddenly, unexpectedly and ironically smacked about the face only a few months in with a dose of… at this point now, a couple of weeks of… well… Bleak.
I mean, WTF?
Closely followed by – does this make me a FRAUD?
I know that my emotions are meant to be felt. I know that the entire purpose for their uprising is presumably because they haven’t been able to grab my attention by any less subtle or alternative means. So at least I’m no longer apologising for their existence within me. I know they’re trying to tell me something obviously very important that they should stunt me in this way. I know I need to listen if I want this shitty feeling to go away. And believe me when I say that for these past weeks I have been somewhat desperately trying to decode their message. Their what, their why and – most importantly at this juncture – their how (the F to move on from this feeling).
I have been stabbing blindly, madly in the dark at all points around my personal compass in the hope of hitting on what’s ‘wrong’. Why aren’t I happy? Why am I feeling like this? Where is the me I’ve learned to love and cherish all of a sudden gone? There has been plenty to prod and poke at, potential cracks to surmise upon.
But absolutely nothing has felt clear. No helpful sign – “Yes, go this way, this is it!”.
I know other things too. Like at any and every moment I am either acting from love or from fear. And I know which of those camps my depressed state falls into. I also know that sometimes to push things, to take action to try and manipulate things along to a certain point in a certain direction is to take a hard, unnecessary, uncomfortable, futile and fruitless road. When it could be so much easier and generally more pleasant to remove all attachments to whatever, to open my heart and mind up fully and then even wider still, to let go completely and see what flows…
And so this morning… in the spirit and flavour of Elizabeth’s Gilbert’s book Big Magic (which I’m only one-third of the way through but already thoroughly recommend), and specifically how some of her thoughts on fear and courage have inspired me, I have altered tack. From seeing my ‘blight’, my current where-the-hell-did-you-come-from low and my all at sea-ness as a battle to be fought and won to something else. I’m going to step back a little from the fear of my black dog (despite our checkered past) and where it could lead if not checked. In fear’s place, I’m attempting to look upon it with gratitude, with my gentle love. To give it space and respect to unfold its message for me as if it were… dare I say it… a friend.
I am, as Elizabeth Gilbert describes she does with hers, abandoning my efforts to kill off my fear and letting it instead, with all other aspects of me, come along for the ride. Not as the driver you understand, but nonetheless as a passenger with a seat and a voice, because I do feel in many ways that fear has valuable things to show and teach.
I allow my fear to live and breathe and stretch out is legs comfortably. It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes too. In fact, I cordially invite fear to come along with me everywhere I go.
— Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic
I know that this too shall pass. I also know that when I let myself off the hook from a preschoolers’ gym class this morning without letting bullshit guilt make a big play in its place, that it allowed something special to happen. These thoughts and feelings were able to flow through and with them I felt a definite glimmer of lightness deep within me. And the first clarity I could hold onto in days and days.
This post is brought to you by hope and clarity, and is for anyone out there that could do with some. Take care and keep loving yourself xxx
The essential oils I’ve been using for the past couple of weeks to help support me came from the results of a personalised zyto bioscan, a tool which measures a person’s galvanic skin response from their hand to provide them with insight on emotional issues that may be affecting their wellbeing. Contact me to learn more about DoTERRA’s certified pure therapeutic grade essential oils or the zyto bioscan, both of which can be of huge benefit in providing us with emotional support.
I also highly recommend the wonderful healing services of Paru Clarke at Shunyata. You can take an emotional healing ‘journey’ with Paru, either in person, or online via Skype like I do. I find them hugely beneficial for identifying and clearing away crap that is no longer serving me to carry around inside.
**These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.